Leach, July 18, 2018

Nothing, nothing, nothing,

I don't have a job,

Nothing, nothing, nothing,

Want to die

Nothing, nothing, nothing,

Take, take, take,

Coward, idiot, worthless,

Just fucking KILL ME already!!!

Momma's Boy, Unknown Date, 2018

Always crying to mom,

About my problems,

Independent??? No,

Self Sufficient??? No,

20 years old and still living with mommy,

Too anxious to get a job,

Scared of people my own age,

Can't drive,

Panic attacks,

I might just drive myself off a bridge,

Ending it all,

Giving my loved ones,

A break,

From me

NOT Alright??, Unknown Date, 2018

How can I still not be better?

When every Tuesday I go to a Depression group,

That teaches me ways on how to get better,

I've been doing exposure therapy every week,

I see a slight improvement,

But how come I still revert back to my old ways,

I feel like I try to do everything right,

But yet it's not enough,

Is my brain just fucked,

I've also been taking Medicaition,

but it still dosen't stop them from coming

Walking,

Eating

Breathing

Enjoying myself,

What ever I do they always find a way to come,

And stranggle me,

To the point my head becomes dizzy from lack of oxygen,

Tears rolling down my face,

My throats hurting,

Wanting to run away to keep safe from them,

And feeling like I am in utter dispair,

Or maybe it's just me?

Maybe I am just weak, worthless, coward, a leach,

And I can't do anything by myself

I AM UTTER SHIT!!

Dream?, Unknown Date, 2018

Dreams are starting to distort my memories

No good night sleep

Dreaming everynight with no fail

Restless nights

Waking up not knowing what's a dream or a memory

Reality or dream?

What does love feel like?, Unknown Date, 2018

20 years old and never been in love,

Is it really as nice as everyone makes it out to be,

Will it feel like how Tyler describes it,

Or like it is in the films,

Or is it all bullshit,

I want to fall in love,

I want someone to be in love with me,

Someone sitting at home thinking about me,

Wondering if I am ok,

Did I get home safe,

Wondering what I am doing,

And with every love song they listen to they can't help but think about me,

I want to fall in love,

But I am scared,

Always pushing you away once I sense you flirting back with me,

Cutting you off,

But I am scared,

Will you think that I am a loser becuase I've never been in love,

Will you be faithfull,

Will I get bored of you after a bit,

Like I do with my hair,

Is love something people do just so they can feel less alone,

Are people scared of being alone?

Is that why they fall in love?

Or is it,

Bubbly feelings,

wanting to touch them,

Cant stop thinking about them,

And laughing together,

I want to try it,

Love,

Is it really it's all cracked out to be?

Will I ever be okay?, Unknown Date, 2018

Will I ever be okay?

Depressed,

Anxious,

Loner,

Isolaition,

Emotional,

No Friends,

Never been in love,

Never been loved,

How long will all this last?

My therapist says "its just a chemical imbalance"

And if I do these next easy steps it will make all troubles go away

Therapy,

Meditaition,

Pills,

Healthy eating,

Wishful thinking,

Cognative therapy,

Exercise,

Pills, pills ,pills if I just take them for a year it will cure my chemical imbalance

Will it?

Then will I finnaly be able to be around people?

And not get the feeling of wanting to puke my guts out,

finger nails scratching at my throat,

tears flowing out,

stomach cramps,

Wanting to kill myself but being too much of a coward to do it,

Will I really be cured?

Will I finnaly have chemically balanced brain?

Then PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,

FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME,

BECUASE I AM FUCKING DONE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!

Fuck You Shannon, Jan ?, 2019

I have had 20 years of expirience in this field,

We can only test people who we are confused of,

You're not confusing,

You're connecting the feeling of despair,

From when your mom had cancer,

To now loosing her to a baby,

That's why you're so depressed,

I am insecure in you questioning my proffesionalism,

I will not admit to being wrong,

My pride will not let me,

Which comes at the cost of you committing suicide,

So NO!!!!! I am not wrong

Hospitalized, Unknown Date, 2019

Hospilatized in Feburary,

Off all mental help,

IOP,

Depression group,

Anxiety group,

Crisis group,

DBT group,

Young Adults group,

Lgbtq groups,

Medicaition,

Therapy,

Phycatrist,

ER,

Suicide attampt,

Self mutilation,

Check that off the list,

Killer, Feb 20, 2019

I've killed 2 times in my life

One out of sympathy

While the other was out of anger

The first kill I cried my heart out

The second kill I enjoyed a bit

I know I need help

Been hospitalized 2 times and the year is just starting

Lately I've been scaring myself

Seriall killer?

Psycopath?

Sociopath?

I've lately been fasinated with women serial killers

Why?

Am I bad person?

What a fucking dumb question!!

You and I know the answer to that

Killer of the innocent

Corruption, Mar 18, 2019

Beep, it seems I've got a message,

Kim,

Anybody want porn?

Choi replies,

Me!!

Kim send video,

Of him raping a drugged young girl,

Choi replies,

Wait she is fainted,

Kim replies,

So what?

Choi replies,

But I want to see her alive,

Jung replies,

You raped her lol,

Bring me a cow that will be down,

To get dirty for a cheaper cost,

Hidden cameras recording you,

Dropping pills into your drink,

To get you to stop being so rigid,

Open up those slim, long, beautiful, legs for me dear,

I promise you fame and fortune,

So OPEN UP YOUR FUCKINGS LEGS YOU HORE!!!

Help HELP HELP HELP!!!!!,

Don't make me laugh,

You dumb cunt,

No one is going to help you,

I have the police wrapped around my dick,

Nobody is going to believe you slut,

You tease,

You know you wanted this,

So OPEN UP YOUR FUCKINGS LEGS YOU HORE!!!

Bruises, June 20, 2019

Eroticly stunning,

Ruptured blood vessels,

Green, blue, purple, yellow,

Erotic pain when touched,

Bruised knees,

Bruised knuckles,

Seductive,

Tempting,

Bruises

Love, June 21, 2019

Love is not the cure

They just were just misunderstood

They needed someon like me who can love them

My love would of changed them

For the better

Love is not the answer

You dimwit

Life is not a Disney movie

Unconditional love

Is not enough to stop me from killing myself

Love

FUCK YOU!